TBH with everyone, this blog was originally called “F#ck These B!tches”Just to add some perspective. Enjoy!
With everything going on in the world right now, one would think I’d be blogging about something in the current events. But in my life, there’s nothing more consistently current than my failure of a love life. Yes, it is a broken record, on repeat, on an endless loop it seems and here I am to shed some more light on some things of which I certainly am a subject matter expert.
It’s not too uncommon though is it? When you really think about it, anyone who has had their heart broken gets scared to offer it up again. That’s just a sensible thing to do, yea? If you go to The Philippines and get pick-pocketed in La Fuentes circle during a crowded festival – you do things different the next time around. You either:
A. Don’t go to Festivals ever again
B. Don’t bring your cell phone to festivals
C. Get a chest (anti-theft) bag to go under your shirt for the next festival
D. Don’t visit The Philippines anymore lol?
If you buy a cheap pair of shoes in Korea then bust your ass on the wet sidewalk outside of Cracker Barrel the next week when you return to the states you will:
A. Not buy cheap knock off shoes in an alley in Korea
B. Not wear those shoes when it rains
I could go on with more experiences from my immediate past but you get the point. When an experience goes wrong, you caution yourself. And… if the experience is bad enough or happens often enough or both… that caution may turn to fear. At least that’s been my experience. That’s what I’ve seen. That’s what I’ve been through.
It would be so simple wouldn’t it? If people like me didn’t exist? Being a kid didn’t really excuse my behavior. Lying to women, cheating and all that. And I suppose maybe the turbulence in my love life since my divorce is a penance of some sort. Because now that I know better, I’m running into women (my age) who behave the way I did as a young man. Not taking women’s hearts and feelings seriously. When looking back I guess I deserve it. If I’m to get my heart broken for every woman I’ve lied to or cheated on I guess I’ve got a rough road ahead lol.
As I go through these situations every year, I understand what the things I was doing back then could’ve done to those women. They’re most likely all over it, and forgotten about me… but at some point, they were upset and hurt about something I’d consciously done. One, some or all of them sat up late crying. Doubting themselves. Feeling hopeless. And after all that, being afraid to put themselves out there in the same fashion again.
Since I’ve been habitually in the dating scene I’ve come across all types of women with all types of quirks, and so-called “preferences”. But no one is born not …. liking black guys. lol. No one is born or grows up thinking to themselves “I’m never going to date military guys”. Or I’m not ever going to give an American guy a try.
Things like this, I would bet come from negative experiences whether in first hand or otherwise.
In Kuwait, and other places I’ve worked overseas, Americans, (especially the black ones) had a reputation. No, not about the penis sizes, or what they did in bed. Well… that too. But also it was a known fact that a majority of women felt black men were all the same in that they were aggressive, hos, and all looking to cheat on their wives while overseas. It doesn’t help the situation that this was true in SO MANY occasions lol. But that didn’t mean that all of us were. But that didn’t matter. The women were scared of niggas because of what the niggas were over there doing. So women began cautioning themselves.
Because of what I’ve done, and what others have done people are scared. Not just of certain types of people they could possibly be interested in but of love in general. As if it weren’t just an uncontrollable feeling. Scared of it because what people do in the name of it. Scared because the way it looks, no one hurts us more than someone who claims to love us. Press play:
The optimism and excitement one has when they find a new love… or that love just happens upon them is something that you fear to have after having it blow up in your face once, twice or more. To the point where instead of walking through that fear, you’d just rather avoid the whole thing.
Christine Keller wrote a piece called Dating A Broken Man: 16 Things you Didn’t Know. I realized after reading this that even though the entire article doesn’t pertain to me by a long shot, I do indeed have characteristics of a broken man. I mean… I don’t like the word broken, but damaged indeed. To know that I fall into characteristics of a list (especially that list) was eye opening. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Well, obviously I’m not.
After experiencing yet another woman who promised me the world and showed me that not only were those promises being broken but I needed to compromise more just to get her back… I definitely am
-Scared to fall in love again.
Scream at me