a blog I wrote in 2012, revisited and continued:
When we see couples out together, depending on where we are in our lives or in our own relationships… or sometimes simply what mood, will determine how we react. Whether if it’s just two sitting close. Holding hands, to full on lip-locking and slop-swapping. I was at an airport in Ireland last weekend. A younger couple, somewhere between 17-20 sat adjacent to me at the terminal.
I tried not to stare. She sat next to him with her left leg over his right. Nothing distasteful. Just totally into each other. So happy. So simple. I’m in the situation I’m in. Or situations rather… and can still find it inside myself to smile. I know there were times seeing two people in love would send me into a state I like to call… Barf-mode. A mindset that not only made we want to blow chunks but also think of ways the relationship would end, and how quickly. Assuming in my head that the girl was cheating on the guy and visa-versa.
Yet I find myself lately not wanting to be so negative. No matter how often the aforementioned events take place.
I’ve been in love before. I’ve been someone I’m not for a long time.
I assure myself, it’s no ones fault but my own. My current marriage could be all I want it to be if at some point I’d look myself in the eye and say
I want those simple, -happy- times.
“Hey! THIS is your marriage. No matter how it happened, THIS IS the girl you chose.
For better or worse.”
Any of the countless women I’ve met since then. Grant your wife her wish, and divorce her. She doesn’t want to divorce you because she doesn’t want you. She wants you to divorce her because you’ve led this marriage into the ground. Give it to her, and make it work with any of the countless women who have shown major potential since then. My ex girlfriend. Who is… virtually without blemish.
Or the new one… who is so much smarter than me I want to rethink ever meeting her. Total turn-on. Or… what I really want. To just be alone. To enjoy my thoughts. Be the best daddy I can and enjoy my toys. No matter which of these events occur… or whether I continue to remain in this relationship purgatory; I want to smile. I want to be happy like the young Irish couple.
The tire swing with Jackie Martinez.
Foot races with Katarina G.
The bench along the walkway from Schierstein to NiederWalluf with Jasmine Gulce.
The fests with Nadja Erlenbach.
The drive from Dallas to Austin with KacyJane Davis.
Singing to each other in the back yard with Latoria Henderson.
The Car shows with Becky Roberts.
Saying “fuck you” to a job together with Aimee Eck.
The crazy breakfast’s at Waffle House with Amanda Lovell.
The Dolphin sighting boat ride with Brandy Keumper.
The conversations over breakfast with Carol Allen
The eye opening emails with Elizabeth.
The life I’ve shared and lives I’ve created with Ansley Judie.
It’s funny the things we can look back at and smile.
Because it’s damn easy to look back at every relationship and remember all the things that went wrong. The reason(s) why it failed. But little does everyone know, that’s the way we keep ourselves safe. Keep ourselves from revisiting. Whether it just be with that person, or with anyone at all. Whether it be my underwater roller coaster ride marriage… or a look at relationships in general. How they’re this thing we’re NEVER really LOOKING for. But we always end up in. We dread them. Yet secretly want to be in. For some of us… whenever we find ourselves in one, we can’t wait til we have find a way out. My simple times haunt me though. It seems they’re becoming more and more of a memory, and not something I’m living through. My happy times seem to be like the pages of a yearbook. I have to see a young Irish couple, truly happy with each other to even be reminded of my own happiness with a woman. I don’t know if I’d be relieved or not to know whether I’m the only person this is happening to. But I do care. I would rather be happy, in simple times with A woman. And have people look at us in disgust. lol
I’ve been on the wrong side of that for too long.
Well, if you couldn’t tell from reading that entry, I was a sad individual and a TERRIBLE husband lol. We’ve already established that, no need to dwell on it. I’ve been looking into Karma and Karmic retribution; and the theologies which preach these ideas as gospel.
Either I was a rapist/murderer/yodeler in a past life, or I got on the right Karmic train for my transgressions during my marriage. With the way my dating life has gone since my marriage, one would think I had done something that has never been done before. Unfortunately, cheating on your spouse and not being too nice to her isn’t really that uncommon. Yet I seem to be the only person having his genitals being dragged over hot coals over and over again. I’m like “Hey, universe. I’m sorry. Give me a fucking break. I get it!”
When I wrote “The Other Side of Happiness” I was on the other side of divorce. Now… I’m “single” (divorced) and available and I swear to The Spaghetti Strainer, I had better relationships as extra-maritals than I do now. Like… women who KNEW I WAS MARRIED gave me more act right than the women I’m with now as a single guy. I DO NOT fucking get it. LoL
In situations like these we’re supposed to look at ourselves. You know, we are the common denominator in our lives. When things go wrong over and over we are supposedly the ones to blame. And of course when something goes right, we thank GOD! LoL. But seriously, anyone who knows me knows that I’m in a constant state of self-evaluation, self-scrutiny and self-improvement. Or at the very least aspiring to improve. I’m very aware of my faults. With THAT being said, does that mean people without flaws and faults are the only ones who are married and happy? I-I really don’t think so lol. I know of no one who is without flaws and faults. And the very few long-lasting relationships I do know of are involving some extremely flawed people!
So it can’t be that I’m too fucked up too love. It can’t be that my behavior, or things I did in the past forced these women lie, cheat, steal, neglect me or just be flat out nuts. Oh but am I ever tired of hearing “You just haven’t found the right one yet.” Dude, SHUT-UP! I’m too close to forty for that shit. It’s far from me to not at least try to be optimistic but… How much trial and error can one take?
You know how many fuckin first dates I’ve been on since I broke up with the Danish girl? I don’t know… USAA could tell you. Right along with how many house notes I could’ve paid by not attempting any of it. I’d be better off. And I’m not sure what the point of all the rambling is at this moment. I’m still on the wrong side of happiness, as far as relationships go. I have everything I want… except a pretty woman who is honest, loyal and faithful to me. Which, as we all know, is not something we can control With that being said. I am at least not in that terrible fucking marriage anymore. I’ll take going on 1,000 more expensive first dates, with 1,000 more pretty little liars, and a side of ghonnerrea over that shit any day.
As far as the captions under the girls I’ve managed to spend time with since I’ve been dating, it’s to keep in line with my… seeing the good from past situations that turned out less than desirable. If you see pictures of me hugged up with another woman in the future, you’ll know I’ve managed to escape from the wrong side of happiness.
Scream at me
P.S. IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH ME USING A PICTURE OF ME THAT HAS YOU IN IT, I DO NOT CARE, EAT MY ASS.