In A Marriage is What?, I talked about the difference in arranged marriages and so-called “love marriages”. A conversation I had with a young lady last week made me think of how easy it is to make important life decisions [not just who we marry] based on anything other than the perfect combination of the two. One’s heart, and one’s mind.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the expression of men thinking with their male reproductive organ; let’s just consider that a part of the heart as well. Lust, attraction, sexuality, I want to say are more characteristics of the heart than they are of the mind. There are several reasons I believe this, but for the sake of time and not getting all philosophical; I’ve been with a handful of women. And most of them I was attracted to! LoL. But ask me how I feel about them now. Some of them I wouldn’t touch with gloves on. These are the hot ones! Not the boogarwolfs! Why? Because something about their personality has turned me off so much that I can’t think of them fondly. My mind has allowed whatever they did, whether it be cheat, steal money, lie, or lie, cheat AND steal money, I can’t even allow my heart [or my dick] to want them in any type of way.
How your mind selects things:
Well, it’s pretty simple.. With logic. Everyone has a certain amount of it. But the fact is everyone’s logic is relative and unique. It’s geared to helping someone make decisions which are safe and smart for that individual. It may be logical for someone who lives in North Dakota to marry someone who is grossly overweight in order to stay warm in the winter. Whereas, if I’m a fitness blogger or personal trainer, it may not be good for my reputation or lifestyle, or business to marry someone who doesn’t look that part. Just a flimsy and stupid example, I know, but you get my point. That overweight person may be the sweetest, most caring, and loving person you ever meet. But business wise… should that person make that decision differently?
Same thing the other way around. Say you’re the owner of a Brazilian steakhouse, would it be a good idea for that person to marry a stick-figure vegetarian/animal rights activist? Or visa-versa. There’s a major thing they won’t ever be able to share. It’s different than a vegetarian simply being with a carnivore… but this person owns a steakhouse! That’s how they make money. Not sure it’s the most logical decision for that steakhouse owner to marry someone who not only doesn’t indulge in the product, but also is against the mere idea of it!
Simple things like, him liking Rock music, and her liking BossaNova. Or her liking action movies, and him liking chick-flicks. These are just differences. Nothing thats going to potentially hault the forward movement of the couple. Choosing a partner using some logic will undoubtedly keep one aware of issues which are for the overall betterment of that persons life and future.
- education
- financial security / income
- goals
- relationship history
- accomplishments
- parenting values
- religion/spiritual beliefs*
These and probably many more values are ones the mind are most interested in. Seeing that everyone is different, not everyone is going to care about the same thing. Some people are worldwide backpacking trekkers who don’t give a shit about income, education and any other social constructs. So I’m certain they aren’t going to look for any of that in a mate.
I’ve seen couples in my travels to Nepal who love nothing more than walking for miles and miles, days outside of a shower, and staying in hostels whenever they see fit. Growing dreadlocks and doing odd jobs every now and again for money… or for nothing.
Couples like this, not only have abandoned typical western style and hygienic values, but also all stereotypical logic of what a couple is supposed to achieve. However, I’m sure they’d disagree if we dug deeper. And I hate to say it, especially since it virtually disproves the entire point of my blog… they’re probably a lot more happy than most of the couples I know.. But yea… happiness. Purely a heart issue. And these two, would be my definition of all heart. They most likely subscribe to thinking of “All You Need is Love”. Which… sounds nice, but it usually isn’t true. These two have a unique, but equal mindset about how life is to be lived. MOST LIKELY [not definitely] did he or she convince or force the other to live this way. These two were meant for each other. And I’m happy for them. But it’s an exception. Not the rule.
How Your Heart Selects Things:
Emotion… and completely devoid of logic. It’s obvious. It’s proven by the women who
stay in abusive relationships for years. Trying and trying and trying to stay happy. Love enough for the both of them. And taking all the bumps and bruises and making excuses for that sort of treatment. She isn’t weak… she’s making those decision to stay [initially] out of love. Then usually a mixture of fear and love. But not always fear of the abuse. But fear of LOSING THE GUY! That is also the heart. Things we look at as “stupid”… but hey. We all go through it.
The heart looks at things like:
- Looks
- Feelings / Chemistry
- Religion/Spirituality
- Parenting ability
- Sex
- Taste in _____
I know by now you’ve noticed some of these bullets are the same as the logical ones. That’s because they can be evaluated differently by the heart and the mind. The mind see’s religion or spirituality as a social construct. Part of the perception and reputation. Compatibility. All calculations… not emotions. The heart see’s religion and spirituality as it should be seen. To a religious person, sharing a life with someone who believe’s in the same thing, wholeheartedly is a matter of not only of their heart, but of their soul. This is the difference.
Parenting as well. A single parent looks at ones ability to help as a parent from a financial and security standpoint when using logic. When using the heart, that person would be focused on the ability for the kids and the spouse to bond, nurture, etc. Huge difference. [Related: Can a White Woman Raise a Black Man?]
Hell, I’m not exempt. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I have chosen my partners in the past with a little more heart than mind. For the past few years, I love differently than I used to. and I do so very, VERY hard. I give chance after chance, just because I love you. Not because I think you deserve it. Not because you’ve shown me any improvement. Just because I’m thinking with my heart. Not being devoid of the logic… just ignoring it. And I think most people are like that.
You have some people who ignore their heart completely. All logic, no heart at all. No emotion, just hard facts, calculations and being an excellent package…. on paper. I’m not sure if I need to explain how disastrous this can end up.
Alright! I could milk this on and on and on. But I’m not going to, I have Uber driving to do. When choosing a mate [and pretty much anything else] we should have a fair exchange of heart and mind involved. The decision should be more well-rounded. And the outcome should be smart and lovable. Isn’t that a good combination? Be smart, and use your heart. 😉
Scream at me
-Rooks
Robert Lovelle Rooks 
This is a tricky subject and it’s up to the individual I think. Some people are more emotional than others and others are more logical. Furthermore some people are a lot more needy whereas others are loners even in a relationship/marriage. I need a 60/40 I think. The 60 being the emotional part. I need to feel deep love and that it’s given back to truly thrive in a relationship, for the 40 percent it’s all about values, combined goals and family. I remember having a conversation with you about children and priorities where I disagreed with you, but where I’ve started to now understand what you knew from experience and I’m now on the same page as you.
Most of all I guess it’s a combination of everything, but you can find the perfect partner on paper and not feel anything, that wouldn’t work for me. I want true love, and sometimes that takes some lessons to be learned and strong love that won’t be given up apon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you were able to look at that and reevaluate. Thanks for reading and commenting, Love.
LikeLike
“All we need is love, da da da da da. All we need is love, love, love. Love is all we need” 😉 It’s very interesting to finally know your thoughts on this topic. Wild hearts and logical minds…I’m trying to figure out how there can be a well-balanced mixture of the two when one generally loves or chooses a partner using one more than the other. Let’s take me, for instance, I’ve loved and chosen partners with probably 99% heart and 1% mind over time and just look where that got me! So far into fairytale land I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way out! My heart has allowed me to believe every person I’ve dated is a good person and the one I’m supposed to end up with. So, does this mean I should reverse the roles of my heart and mind? To begin using my mind more than heart to make decisions about love or anything for that matter. If so, please explain how I can do that 😍 I’m glad to see a blog again!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d have to say, decision-making in its most basic form. A list. Sort of like a pros and cons list. But instead it would be a mind and heart list. List down the logical reasons you should (and shouldn’t) be with the guy and the same with the emotional. Couple that with how you feel when you’re together, make a decision and stick with it!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
LikeLike
Thanks for the advice. Making a list seems to be using more mind than heart because one would actually be thinking about the logical aspects rather than emotional aspects of being with someone. I’m not sure how I would write these two separate lists. Seems to me when one is with the other person, that’s when the emotional side, or heart, would take over. And a lot of the time, the heart trumps the mind just because it “feels right” being with that person. All logic goes out the window in the heat of the moment so to speak. About making a decision and sticking with it…if only it was that easy! When I make a decision, I guess using my heart, at some point the mind interferes and says, “Wake the hell up!” But, then the heart comes back around with all these feelings and shit saying “Give it one more try.” How many “one more tries” does it take to determine what’s meant to be?
LikeLiked by 1 person
“When your mind says, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Give it one more try.”” ❤
LikeLike
Well my experience is with the heart, I have let my heart look at the good in a person and give them ChAnce after chance for love. I’m guilty of that as you know what I been through and tolerated. The heart can allow so mAny things to happen, to be said, and how one is treated. It’s like the heart shows unconditional love at times for fear of being alone or losing a person. Once the mind takes over and says enough is enough thAt is where the battle comes in to go with your mind or heart. It’s a everyday battle. But most times the heart wind and people choose to live in unhappiness then stay alone. We should use or minds more often in most situations. Good blog.. great job..
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Be smart and use your heart..” This should be the motto for anyone…. In all different aspects of life. But with love, definitely. The issue with that is our minds need to actually lead our heart into accepting what our minds are feeling. Too often like you said, it’s the other way around. So many of us, however, are so hard-wired to make decisions solely based on our emotions and don’t allow any logical reasoning. It’s not a conscious decision…. We “just go with it.” As you know, when you love “HARD”, your brain becomes so clouded by emotions and when shit hits the fan, so to speak, you must try to remove yourself from the situation and logically evaluate what the best outcome for the both of you could possibly be. I really wish we could all go into situations logically while using our hearts 100% of the time. If so, I believe we’d be setting ourselves up for success. Anyway, I am so extremely proud of you and this blog. Your evolution of writing and as a person has been a joy to watch and read. This is one of your best…. I mean that. Thank you for your wisdom. Love you bestie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In matters of the heart, or of the mind for that matter, many treat them as static… written in stone, as it were. Such is not the case. The mind, and the heart, can change in a second with a realization, an event, or through the natural progression of logic.
Change is the one “800 lb. gorilla in the room” that few choose to recognize and some won’t even accept is there.
Some people actually expect things to always be the same. Some people will change in varying ways and rates. Some couples change together, in a manner the strengthens their relationship… but some don’t.
Regardless of what path or relationship your mind and your heart dictate is the best in the moment, change is the moderator of the moments that follow and that makes all decisions of the mind and heart a ‘crap-shoot’. There are no guarantees in life, you just give it your best shot and hope like hell the next roll of the dice pays-off for ya.
from a cowboy poem I wrote, The Ride:
“You can figure that Change is a-comin’ your way,
‘Cause it’s just like the sun, how it comes ever day.
You can fight it or ride it, ignore it or not,
But it’s what you decide that determines your lot.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a good read. I’ve actually relied more on the heart rather than the mind before. More often than for my own good I guess. Perhaps it’s easier to tug on the heartstrings rather than giving a sound logical explanation. I’m being more careful now though. There always needs to be that balance between the two.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is a good read. Thanks for sharing. And agree
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was overall a good article!
it shows different perspectives and out looks about different people. I like that you are able to paint a picture through other peoples eyes.. Very interesting and awesome topic 💎💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is definately a new favorite! Great read as always. You have represented a concept here that I truly only come from personal maturity and enlightenment.
I would have to agree…that most people use some time of combination of these 2 areas to base all their decisions, weather its mostly heart or mostly logic depends on the person and what they are trying to accomplish.
I consider myself unique in this respect. Because for me…these 2…mind/logic vs heart/emotion are one in the same. I have reached that conclusion by asking many people one simple question…what controls the body, the heart or the brain? Most people say the brain. As a medical professional, however, I know this is the wrong answer. The human body is miraculous in its intricate and perfect design. Did you know that if a persons heart stops beating they are medically dead…but if a persons brain is damaged and considered “brain dead” the body is still very much alive and that person is not clinically dead…wait, what? Yes, you read that right. When someone’s heart stops they are dead, when someone’s brain stops they a brain dead but alive. The reason for this is based on scientific fact, that the brain does not control the body. The heart does. The brain requires oxygen, which in lamens terms is carried on blood that the heart pumps to it, meaning the brain is dependent on the heart for life, but the heart is life by itself. The heart is a miraculous organ. It creates electrical impulses…by itself..no batteries no recharging…just by its design, special cardiac cells that are found only in the heart, and the SA node create an electrical impulse that brings the rest of the body to life. The heart is self sustaining. How do I know this? Well, during heart surgeries…when the heart is separated from the body, completely from the body…it continues to beat…on its own. And can live for up to 4 hours outside the body. The brain cannot do that. The heart defies all logic…by design.
No matter what disastrous roads my heart has lead me down…following it with 100% dedication, even when my mind was telling me know..is the only thing in my life that I’ve ever really been certain I was supposed to do. It’s those circumstances and expierences that have ultimately shaped me and taught me so much more about the kind of woman I want to be than any logic ever could have. I am currently facing a real life relationship decision, that’s why I was so excited to come across this blog.
I wanted to experiment with your advise though, that we should use a combination and to make a list of pros and cons…and I was a bit shocked with the results..
I made that list with The guy I’m currently considering being in a relationship with.
Logical/mind
1. He is educated in life far more than I, he speaks multiple languages with an eloquence that leaves me mesmerized.
2. He’s broke..with the ability to be, wealthy.
3. We have the same goals in life, we are trying to get to the same place
4. Our relationship history is very similar, we have both been victims of circumstance, giving our hearts and 100% to the wrong people. Even at your best, you’ll never be right, for the wrong person. Because of our similarities we understand where we each have been on a deeper level.
5. His accomplishments are plentiful, and nothing short of astonishing. He always makes things happen out of nothing and he is the most multi talented person I’ve ever known.
6. Our values and ideas on parenting are parallel. I have so much to learn from him
7. We both believe in the importance of a personal relationship with a higher being and being self accountable. Doing good not because people are watching or to get praise, but doing good on a daily basis just because.
Emotional/Heart
1. He could be wearing a 10 day nappy beard, last weeks clothes, a few extra pounds, and last nights drool and he would still be the sexiest man that has ever walked the face of this planet. Nothing he has to do, he just wakes up like that.
2. Just the thought of him gives me butterflies, and it feels like electricity is coarsing through my veins.
3. We were both raised in church.
4. He is a shining example of what it really means to be a father…he not only understands, that when it comes to the love for your children, you don’t count the cost, you don’t count the sacrifice, or what is gained or what is lost, but he LIVES it. I’ve witnessed it. There is nothing that he wouldn’t give for his children, and there is no place that far that would keep him from getting to them.
5. Although this may sound stereotypical, he is the only guy I’ve ever told this to or said this about. I have expierenced the best sex of my life with this man. When I was with him, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel alone. He satisfied me on levels far beyond my human comprehension. I still tremble, every time he touches me.
6. We share likeness in our tastes…from food, to decor, to health and exercise, to hobbies, to things we want out of life.
I wrote this list in silence and complete honesty. I also did one for my ex fiancé which I did not share here… While some may disagree…I see no cons on this list, but the cons on the list of my ex were overwhelming. Is that because there aren’t any cons with this guy? No. There are no perfect people. But there is a perfect person for everyone. When you find that person…your list will have no cons. Your heart and your logic will be on the same page, telling you the same thing, and the universe will even seem to be pushing you together.
My conclusion, is that basing your relationship off your mind or logic doesn’t necessarily guarantee that a relationship will not be disappointing or painful, or that it will last, and neither does basing it of your heart, or a combination. The only guarantee we have…is when our logic is saying the same thing our heart is feeling.
This man has been in my life for more than half of my adult life, but when I was available he wasn’t, when he was available I wasn’t.. We have had minimal contact, Your experiment has proven to me that people like me and him who have held on that long…what kind of love he and I must share…thank you for giving me the tools to make this decision so easy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Be smart … n use your heart … 😋
#shecanthelpitthatshecantfocus 💋
#oppositesattract
#savagemode
LikeLike