In A Marriage is What?, I talked about the difference in arranged marriages and so-called “love marriages”. A conversation I had with a young lady last week made me think of how easy it is to make important life decisions [not just who we marry] based on anything other than the perfect combination of the two. One’s heart, and one’s mind.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the expression of men thinking with their male reproductive organ; let’s just consider that a part of the heart as well. Lust, attraction, sexuality, I want to say are more characteristics of the heart than they are of the mind. There are several reasons I believe this, but for the sake of time and not getting all philosophical; I’ve been with a handful of women. And most of them I was attracted to! LoL. But ask me how I feel about them now. Some of them I wouldn’t touch with gloves on. These are the hot ones! Not the boogarwolfs! Why? Because something about their personality has turned me off so much that I can’t think of them fondly. My mind has allowed whatever they did, whether it be cheat, steal money, lie, or lie, cheat AND steal money, I can’t even allow my heart [or my dick] to want them in any type of way.
How your mind selects things:
Well, it’s pretty simple.. With logic. Everyone has a certain amount of it. But the fact is everyone’s logic is relative and unique. It’s geared to helping someone make decisions which are safe and smart for that individual. It may be logical for someone who lives in North Dakota to marry someone who is grossly overweight in order to stay warm in the winter. Whereas, if I’m a fitness blogger or personal trainer, it may not be good for my reputation or lifestyle, or business to marry someone who doesn’t look that part. Just a flimsy and stupid example, I know, but you get my point. That overweight person may be the sweetest, most caring, and loving person you ever meet. But business wise… should that person make that decision differently?
Same thing the other way around. Say you’re the owner of a Brazilian steakhouse, would it be a good idea for that person to marry a stick-figure vegetarian/animal rights activist? Or visa-versa. There’s a major thing they won’t ever be able to share. It’s different than a vegetarian simply being with a carnivore… but this person owns a steakhouse! That’s how they make money. Not sure it’s the most logical decision for that steakhouse owner to marry someone who not only doesn’t indulge in the product, but also is against the mere idea of it!
Simple things like, him liking Rock music, and her liking BossaNova. Or her liking action movies, and him liking chick-flicks. These are just differences. Nothing thats going to potentially hault the forward movement of the couple. Choosing a partner using some logic will undoubtedly keep one aware of issues which are for the overall betterment of that persons life and future.
- financial security / income
- relationship history
- parenting values
- religion/spiritual beliefs*
These and probably many more values are ones the mind are most interested in. Seeing that everyone is different, not everyone is going to care about the same thing. Some people are worldwide backpacking trekkers who don’t give a shit about income, education and any other social constructs. So I’m certain they aren’t going to look for any of that in a mate.
I’ve seen couples in my travels to Nepal who love nothing more than walking for miles and miles, days outside of a shower, and staying in hostels whenever they see fit. Growing dreadlocks and doing odd jobs every now and again for money… or for nothing.
Couples like this, not only have abandoned typical western style and hygienic values, but also all stereotypical logic of what a couple is supposed to achieve. However, I’m sure they’d disagree if we dug deeper. And I hate to say it, especially since it virtually disproves the entire point of my blog… they’re probably a lot more happy than most of the couples I know.. But yea… happiness. Purely a heart issue. And these two, would be my definition of all heart. They most likely subscribe to thinking of “All You Need is Love”. Which… sounds nice, but it usually isn’t true. These two have a unique, but equal mindset about how life is to be lived. MOST LIKELY [not definitely] did he or she convince or force the other to live this way. These two were meant for each other. And I’m happy for them. But it’s an exception. Not the rule.
How Your Heart Selects Things:
Emotion… and completely devoid of logic. It’s obvious. It’s proven by the women who
stay in abusive relationships for years. Trying and trying and trying to stay happy. Love enough for the both of them. And taking all the bumps and bruises and making excuses for that sort of treatment. She isn’t weak… she’s making those decision to stay [initially] out of love. Then usually a mixture of fear and love. But not always fear of the abuse. But fear of LOSING THE GUY! That is also the heart. Things we look at as “stupid”… but hey. We all go through it.
The heart looks at things like:
- Feelings / Chemistry
- Parenting ability
- Taste in _____
I know by now you’ve noticed some of these bullets are the same as the logical ones. That’s because they can be evaluated differently by the heart and the mind. The mind see’s religion or spirituality as a social construct. Part of the perception and reputation. Compatibility. All calculations… not emotions. The heart see’s religion and spirituality as it should be seen. To a religious person, sharing a life with someone who believe’s in the same thing, wholeheartedly is a matter of not only of their heart, but of their soul. This is the difference.
Parenting as well. A single parent looks at ones ability to help as a parent from a financial and security standpoint when using logic. When using the heart, that person would be focused on the ability for the kids and the spouse to bond, nurture, etc. Huge difference. [Related: Can a White Woman Raise a Black Man?]
Hell, I’m not exempt. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I have chosen my partners in the past with a little more heart than mind. For the past few years, I love differently than I used to. and I do so very, VERY hard. I give chance after chance, just because I love you. Not because I think you deserve it. Not because you’ve shown me any improvement. Just because I’m thinking with my heart. Not being devoid of the logic… just ignoring it. And I think most people are like that.
You have some people who ignore their heart completely. All logic, no heart at all. No emotion, just hard facts, calculations and being an excellent package…. on paper. I’m not sure if I need to explain how disastrous this can end up.
Alright! I could milk this on and on and on. But I’m not going to, I have Uber driving to do. When choosing a mate [and pretty much anything else] we should have a fair exchange of heart and mind involved. The decision should be more well-rounded. And the outcome should be smart and lovable. Isn’t that a good combination? Be smart, and use your heart. 😉
Scream at me