One Man’s Trash


At my age, it’s commonplace to run into a certain few things while dating.  Not absolute, but commonplace.  Most women in my dating pool have kids.  A large number of them are divorced.  A large number of them are set into their career fields. And a large number of them are jaded, and widely tired of the whole dating scene.  But one thing I’ve learned to almost count on other than the fact that said woman is going to want to jump my bones within the first two dates is, she is someone’s ex. Someone’s ex-wife, sometimes an ex-girlfriend, or sometimes just someone’s ex-lover.  But I’ve learned that I’m most likely never going to be the first.

countryside-1851038_1280

So what exactly does this mean?

Undoubtedly the woman whom I’m seeing has been in love with another man. She’s held him in her arms.  Kissed him, made love to him. Maybe even cooked for him. And at a certain point in time, things were good between them. They had hope for a future together. They may have said they’d stay together for ever.  Always love one another. Made decisions together that are commonly life-long ones, like a decision to have a child, buy a home, or buy a time-share together.  Maybe even start a business couple-1838940_1280as a couple.

So, why is she with me?

Somewhere along the way, one or both of them lost sight of what it was which brought them together. If I can be blunt and candid, I can recall a time when I married the best pussy I had to date. If there ever were a bad reason to get married, that would be at the very top of the list.  Because what about everything else? Not only did I not recieve these things but ‘the best pussy’ thing also wore thin. So, I lost sight of that lol.

Now that I’m divorced, she’s seeing someone else.  Has he ever wondered why I’d let her go? Neglect her?  Curse her out?  Not want to make love to her ever again? Be disgusted with every part of her being? Maybe so, maybe not. If he ever wants to know, I’ll gladly tell him.  But the fact is, things do change.

The instances which the person realizes the person he lost, he still desires, still wants, or doesn’t want anyone else to have, is the one which baffles me the most. I still have the same questions.  Why or how did you lose sight of what you had and wanted so badly at one point?  Did you forget how fun it was to be with her? How beautiful her smile is?  How much of an extreme pleasure it is to make love to her?  How loyal she was to you?  And this could be for a woman as well.  I’ve seen it both ways. I’m just directing this at the men because… I fucking feel like it. 😉

 

What makes a man wait until it’s too late?  Until she’s given up on him.  Or found someone else. Being reactive instead of proactive?  Choosing to be jealous instead of attentive.  In some cases, it works.  The woman will accept you back after you realized you fucked up and you need her back.  But if the woman is smart, she’ll realize you’re doing that because you’re being selfish.  You’re realizing how good she was for you, and how much YOU miss her.  But what about all the times she was missing, wanting and needing you?  All the things you did to get her to the point of giving up?

I suppose that’s another thought for another time.  I believe the words “comfort” and “complacency” are appropriate for an answer to the question.  It’s easy to take your partner for granted after they’ve been with you for a while.  To look at them as someone who is obligated to be around.  Not someone who chose you to be with.  And chooses every single day.  Normally, in a good relationship, that daily choice is easy… but after comfort sets in, it’s harder and harder.  Until one day that person wakes up and asks, “Why the fuck am I here?”

That’s the wrong time to start wanting to treat your partner right.  In most cases, it’s going to be a futile effort. Because she’s possibly on to the next. And if she’s on to the next, what’s that mean for you? You’ve just lost someone who you forgot you wanted.  Or images-9did you want her in the first place?  Whether you did or not, you’re undoubtedly hating the thought that the next is enjoying her smile.  Her voice.  Her presence.  Her cooking.  Her love.

And just how my Nissan 350Z with the bad spark plugs was basically a peice of trash, I still sold it a couple of months ago.  It was a burden to me, and it had ran it’s course.  I wanted something new.  It’s gone, and possibly being utilized by someone else who had the time and the skill to give it the TLC that it needed to be all it can be.  An awesome sports vehicle which is admirable and dependable. My trash was someone elses treasure.  If I still wanted that car… I should’ve kept it, and treated it right.  Fixed it up.  Done the routine maintenance.

Now… for those weak-minded individuals you will undoubtedly think I just reduced a woman to a car.  But no… it’s just an anology.  If I have a woman, and I want to keep her, I have to work on my relationship with her.  I need to take care of her.  I need to service her. 😉

Because if I treat it like trash… someone else will come along and take it.  And it’ll once again be what it was meant to be.  And I will have to deal with it.

 

Scream at me

-Rooks

Happy couple holding hands in tall grass – Pixabay artist: Pexels

Happy couple laughing in wheat grass – Pixabay  artist: Pexels

Jealous man onlooking – http://www.Time.com

 

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8 thoughts on “One Man’s Trash

  1. Farrah says:

    “Don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” It’s as simple as that. People take their significant others, ones they are dating, spouses, etc for granted thinking that person will always be around. It appears one thinks he/she can do whatever they want, things that hurt the other, and except that person to stick around because they “love” them. I’m sorry, f*** that. Love is a two way street and if one “loves” someone and wants them to be with them or potentially be with them, why would one continue to hurt that person? People need to stop loosely throwing that word around and using it to try and make people stay. “If you love me, you won’t leave me.” “If you love me, I should be able to do what I want and you not get mad.” NO. NO. and NO. If one truly loves someone, they wouldn’t repeatedly put that person through hell and expect them to stay. I think all too often people get caught up in life and like you mentioned lose sight of what brought them together in the first place. If one really and truly from the bottom of their heart loves the person they are pursuing or in a relationship with and not the IDEA of that person, they should do whatever it takes to win that person’s heart and keep it. Likewise, the other should meet them halfway. Like I said, love is a two way street, one where two people should meet in the middle. Then, walk beside each other and hopefully not lose sight of what brought them together. I’m not stating every relationship should be perfect and the two people will never hurt each other because we all know arguments and disagreements will occur and should occur at times to enable the couple to grow as a team. During this comment I’m referring to those who repeatedly hurt one another and not expect the consequence of losing that person. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. May you eventually find your treasure, the one worth keeping, and the one you want to keep. 😃💯😘👍

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  2. Climmie says:

    Getting someone is fairly easy, keeping them is the hard part. All that winning and dining doesn’t end when you get married you have to work harder to keep your partner because people do change. If you are not best friends from the beginning chances are you will have problems. Treat your mate as your partner. You should discuss everything, make decisions together as a couple. Your spouse is not your child so he/she should be treated as your equal. Never aire your dirty laundry in front of the kids, this is your battle not theirs. Most importantly never, never use your child/children as your BFF.

    You will never see eye to eye on everything, so don’t give up so quickly. If you got together for the right reason you can make it work. Yes ask that question ‘Why did we get married in the first place?’ But be honest about the answer and deal with the situation.

    Always keep your love life spicy (I didn’t say sex life), it’s not always about sex, so learn to know the difference. No one can predict the future so if by chance one become unable to perform sex are you going to be willing to be faithful? Whatever one goes through the other one should be feeling some of that pain as well. Go on dates, spend time with each other without the kids you are a couple and you need to spend quality time together. If it’s worth having, it’s worth working on.

    I have been married for 44 years and if I had to do it over I would choose the same wonderful man. I have never wanted for anything, neither did our children. He had been married once before we met and married, with two kids, this in itself can be hard it will depend on how you and the kids get alone. So much come in to play in a marriage. You just have to be willing to work on it. I wasn’t ready for the ready-made family but I loved this man with all my being so I was willing to go that extra mile. He never gave me a reason to second guess my decision. Was it easy no it still isn’t. He is 10 years my senior (I never wanted someone I felt I needed to train), which was good for me. On that note, never, ever marry some one that is your project. Some one you feel will change after you get married, some one you plan on molding into that person you really wanted to marry. Take the time to know your partner before the I Does. Make sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    All the signs are usually there we just don’t pay attention, even when you are warned. Hine sight is a b@! $#.

    It’s never too late to make a wrong right.

    I have no use for lazy people, so to me any one who is at home on a daily basis should have a spotless house no excuse. If your partner was raised by these standards this will not change once married, on that same not if your partner is opposite to your standards getting married will probably not change that either. Is it something he/she should work on YES, if not it will probably cause problems down the road.

    Get to know one another as much as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jim Fish says:

    It is odd how our lives seem to parallel in alternate universes, Robert.

    I, too, found myself in a similar situation upon settling down after an 8-year career in the military. I, too, found myself attaching to “one man’s trash”, who ultimately became my wife and son (Cami’s big brother). Fortunately for me, they did become my… “another’s man’s treasure”, but not without trial and effort

    We were very sexually compatible but there were significant differences that did take some time to reconcile. (I’m diluting the details for Cami’s sake. ) Like you mentioned, I did find myself wondering about the nature of my wife sexual relationship with her first husband while we were having sex. Also, I was a bit more ‘adventurous’, varied in positions and craved more frequency than she.

    It was obvious her psyche had been damaged by his abandonment of her and their son. I also knew that she still ‘carried a torch’ for him long after we got married. I was certain that time would heal her wounds and help her accept the reality of her lost “first love” and besides, I asked her to marry me because I loved her, not because she loved me. I felt she would accept my proposal if she was reasonably certain that she could love me at some point. There was no question that her son and I had formed a quick and solid bond that would last.

    There was a time though, about two years into our marriage when her first husband returned and she left me to follow her heart. Our separation lasted about 3 months and just as I had gotten to the point I had accepted the end of our relationship and about the rejoin the military, she took gravely ill because of some of her choices and asked to return to the relationship. I thought about it overnight and took a chance on her once more, based on my relationship with her son. By then I felt like I was his dad.

    There would be no getting through the reconciliation without forgiveness, however. I found out much later that forgiveness is key… forgiving my wife (like the insult to our marriage didn’t matter) and forgiving my wife’s ex-husband (like it didn’t matter either). My ability to forgive had less to do with them than it did to me and my ability to release all the ill emotions and slights to my ego.

    Returning from the war in Vietnam taught me that it isn’t forgetting my experiences that mattered but the reconstruction of my beliefs about them and releasing the emotions I had attached to them at their occurrence. For my own sake, I had to transform the burden I carried and had robbed my strength into a foundation on which to stand and gather wisdom and vitality. To do this, I had to truly examine our situation from both my wife’s and her ex-husband’s perspective. I came away understanding one common realization that will apply to every other human being at this plane of existence… they were following their heart and seeking happiness. In their case, as with most of us, they made some bad choices. I was no different in choices I made at various times in my life.

    Of course, our relationship didn’t resolve its problems overnight but being able to forgive allowed me the time and the assurance that the solutions were at hand, change will occur and life will go on…

    “Just remember that change is a-comin’ your way,
    Like the sun in the sky, it’s as constant as day.
    You can fight it, or ride it, ignore it or not;
    But it’s what you decide that determines your lot.”
    From the cowboy poem, “The Ride”, by Jim Fish

    Robert, I enjoy your blogs… they make me think… about how much we are alike… about life… about how I built my reality and use it as a tool to confront and interact with the universe at large. It’s not only about you and it’s not only about me, it’s about us and how we connect to realize our full potential in any of our relationships.

    You said it all in the last two paragraphs of “One Man’s Trash”…

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  4. agallion says:

    Wow, Robert the comment by Jim Fish…so touching. What a complex rumination you have here. I’m one of those divorcees, lol….and from this side of the fence — as you well know being a dad and divorced as well, our partners as well as ourselves undergo changes. Sometimes one in more healthier ways than the other. And sometimes, there is a revelation of shortcomings that simply makes marriage unsustainable. Boy the stories I could tell you, lol! But everything you’ve shared here — I’ve thought regarding “new” interests. We ought to continue these considerations — I think it shows a sense of growth, realism, as well as an ownership of our choices — and hopefully freedom, whether in a relationship or not. Good read, my IG friend.

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  5. Debbie says:

    I enjoyed the read. It made me think about my exhusband and our relationship and the subsequent relationships after. I agree with Climmie, getting someone is easy but keeping them is hard. Relationships need to be nurtured and cared for to last. They only work if you do whatever you can to make your person happy, and they are doing the exact same thing. But it takes two. It can’t be just one person trying. My marriage fail for a few reasons, but the top reason was I spent so much time saying he was so amazing and that I was lucky that I overlooked all the caution, warning, and stop signs. Now you its hard for me to find someone I really want to be with due to all those warning and stop signs. It’s hard, but I still believe in true love. So now I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m just looking for a best friend, a keeper of secrets. We are all someone else’s trash,question is how do we hold on and cherish the treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lia Rooks says:

    I have never been married, but I have been adopted. I’ve had a man in my life that has taken care of me since I was in diapers, and still displays uneasiness when I call him “dad.” I’m by no means down playing the relationship I have with my biological father, because that’s an unspoken bond all it own. My step-dad, isn’t the only trash man in this situation. He took my mother and I, loved us, cared for us and added to our lives, but he was also divorced and separated from his son. He still doesn’t know exactly where my eldest brother is. We have to work at our relationship like everyone else does, but sometimes it feels harder because there’s another “dad” involved.

    Liked by 1 person

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