I Don’t Do All That Freaky Shit

Since when was having-sex not enough?  Seriously, why all the extra shit?  I was out at the Cheesecake Factory with one of those Tinder-Meal whores several months back, and she looked at me like I had shit on my face when I told her all the things she could expect NOT to get from me sexually.  While I paid for this bitch to have a glass or two of WHATEVER and $7.00 slices of cheesecake no less.

Look, I get it. Sex is great, but SOMETIMES you wanna blah blah blah, but I’m sorry.  NO!  I’m not interested.  Why do I have to feel weird or have to be labeled because I’m not into it?  But I’m wrong with calling ya’ll freaky, and sick and nasty? I just wanna have sex and get back to watching cartoons or any of a number of things I could be doing other than…. all this mess.

Hair Pulling and Ass-Slapping [and a little light choking]:

Let’s start out light.  Apparently this is the most common thing that I don’t do.  GASP! Shut up.  Why the hell am I trying to hurt you?  I’ve heard women say it’s not about pain, and I’ve also heard women say IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PAIN. Either way… I don’t wanna do it!  Last time I checked, pulling hair choking and slapping sounds like a fucking fight to me!  Not sex!

Pain during sex is supposed to release endorphins which heightens the amount of sexual pleasure.  Well big fucking whup!  I’m supposed to beat your ass just so you can get your rocks off quicker.  Fuck DOT. Seriously, I’d like to think that with the right girl I’d try it… but so far I haven’t.  And I really don’t see it happening.  It just seems weird.  I don’t have it in me.

Thumbs up!  A surprise during doggy-style:

Ok… ewl.  Seriously.  What?  I was kinda iffy about porking a chick in the ass, but you want me to stick my thumb up there?  It’s supposedly supposed to be like… extra stimulation to… whatever it is in the ass back there.  I have no idea.  Fact is, I use my thumbs to help me pick up slices of pizza!  And tacos!  And if I get frosting on my thumb from eating a cupcake, I wanna lick my thumb off!  If I’m too busy sticking my thumb in your ass during sex, I’m NOT going to be able to do that!  EVER AGAIN!  I’m gonna have to wash marinara sauce off my thumbs instead of licking it.  That’s bullshit.  No.  No thumbs in the ass.  I don’t even understand.  And don’t even THINK ABOUT doing it to me!

Get a rope!:

“I wanna tie you up, Rooks.”  Bitch you’ve lost your mind.  You wanna tie me up?  Why?  It’s supposed to be titillating to be teased and pleasured while I’m defenseless and can’t touch her back.  But my wallet is on the night stand.  So is my cell phone.  And I’m sorry, but when I feel like squeezing some ass, I wanna squeeze some ass!  Why’s everything gotta be a fucking game these days?

No, sorry, you’re not tying me up.  Tie yourself up.

Gotta go potty:

So to most people who do SOME freaky shit, they may not be into THIS.  People who are into going number 1 and or number 2 on one another… it’s just insane.  But me, I put all the shit in one category.  None of this is sex!  It’s like… a collection of how much sick shit you can do to someone behind closed doors.  And seemingly… to come to the same damn conclusion.  Ejaculating and falling asleep.  I don’t get the point.  I will rip a girls ass off if she tried to shit on me. What has to be going on in your head to do that?

 

Toys R Us:

I know supposedly every woman has one or some. And of course it’s ones right or… whatever, to own sex toys.  Women even celebrate them at times. Have their memes, sayings and even parties where they sell them to their friends and family and try them out.

Myself, I’ve always looked at them as an insult to men.  Don’t get me wrong, if a woman is either single, or taken and wants to pleasure herself while her man is gone with toys instead of going out and getting a man just for the sake of having an orgasm [or not] I understand.  It’s just masturbation.  It makes sense.  But when I’m there, and a woman introduces toys, or at least the thought of bringing toys into the equation, it only says to me “You’re not doing enough”.  Which, in my case is something I’ve most likely stated up front.  But what about the guys who ARE putting it down in the bedroom?  Or at least trying to.  Telling me and or them that you need some extra shit to make this experience more pleasurable for you tells me that I’m not getting the job done.

 

It’s just my opinion.  I may be a little insecure, who knows?

 

3’s company:

Group sex is pretty much the same thing to me.  I always felt sex was supposed to be something between 2 people.  I know, the more the merrier, but I’m certain I wouldn’t know what to do with more than one woman in the bed.  Hell, I can barely handle one in most instances.  Isn’t having more than 2 people engaged in sexual activity confusing?  What am I supposed to do?  How much time do I spend sucking on #1s tits and what am I supposed to do with my hands while doing so ?  Does everyone need to have someones hands on them at all times or does one person just watch, while the other two get it on, and then just tag in like WWF tag-team wrestling?

And does it make a woman a ho if she wants two dicks in her at once?  Am I supposed to feel weird if our balls touch? LoL.  I’m just messing around now, but this is something I won’t ever find myself involved in.  Kinda makes a mockery of sex if you ask me.  But then again, I don’t do all this freaky shit.

Beat that ass!:

BDSM: Bondage, dominance, sadomasochism. I don’t know if any of the aforementioned comes under this title. But it is another group of extremely popular types of ‘sex’ which I will not be participating in.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT hating on people who do it.  I’m really not.  I’m not hating on all you sick bastards!  Ok!  I promise. But what the hell? I honestly think you gotta be a sick and twisted person to want to do all this shit to someone. Like, honestly, where DID the sex go? lol.  Apparently, BDSM isn’t about the sex though. I’m not even here to get into it because I’m not an authority on the matter.  Maybe someone could enlighten me… verbally.  But definitely, I won’t be doing it.

 

People like to say, “don’t knock it til you try it”. But there are PLENTY of things that any self-respecting person can say they want nothing to do without trying it first. I don’t want to eat shit.  Never done it.  I don’t want to mess with any kids.  Never done it.  I don’t want to join the Coast Guard.  Never done it.  I don’t want to live in Siberia, and I’ve never been there. I just have a set of standards.  And those standards don’t include having my thumb in your ass, while fucking you doggy style, right after I just smacked your ass, yanked your hair, called you a dirty little whore, while you’re bound and gagged, just before you shit on my stomach!

I don’t do all that freaky shit.