A Marriage is What?


Arranged marriages are not just for movies.  It’s pretty much how it all started.  It was never a question in the olden days, even in “our” country who was going to marry whom.  Not for the two in question anyway.  That was for the parents to decide, and sometimes even an entire community.

The success rate of arranged marriages vs. “love marriages” as they’re called has been calculated and debated for years.  I think it’s a tad biased due to the punishment of a wife who tries to leave an arranged marriage.  However, I’ve heard and read stories of how what I believe to be the smallest factor involved-love, became from arranged marriage in time.

An institution is defined as: any structure or mechanism of social order and cooperation governing the behavior of a set of individuals within a given community.

I’m sorry… I want to highlight a keyword as a side-note:COOPERATION

OK, We’re back.

Just by the numbers, the divorce rate of arranged marriages is over 50% less than that of “love-marriages”.  That’s a staggering difference, and definitely led me to writing this blog after deep-thought, being in a marriage, and a conversation with a friend of mine who happens to  be enamored with me.

Do we have it all wrong?  Does LOVE need to be such a big part of marriage?  Hell, does attraction need to be in the top 10?

I’ve known a lot of women, and heard their “list of requirements” for their suitors.  They seem like good lists, but the problem is they never stick to them.  They compromise.  They switch things around. They even delete certain things from their lists to suit a certain person.  For instance:

  • Must have a job
  • Must be taller than me
  • Must not have kids
  • Must be a Christian
  • Must be Educated
  • Must have his own place
  • Must dress nice
  • Must be a gentleman
  • MUST put it down…

I’m not going to say this is a good list.  But at least there’s a list.  But just to show how things can and do go:

  • The market is tight right now.  He’s on unemployment, he’s looking for a job now
  • YES!  He’s taller than me!
  • He’s got kids, but he pays his child support.  And the babymommas a bitch.
  • His momma used to take him to church.  He doesn’t go anymore, but he likes Kirk Franklin
  • He’s testing for his G.E.D. next year
  • His mother is staying with him for a while
  • He buys only the BEST stuff from Citi Trendz, and he irons them too so…
  • He puts it DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve seen this.  Not only did this woman DELETE he “must be a gentleman”, but she’s SETTLED for a man who is on unemployment and sending most of his money to his child’s mother; doesn’t go to church, or practice a religion but likes to jam out to the latest pop-ish gospel music on Sundays, doesn’t have a diploma, LIVES WITH HIS MOMMA, dresses like an extra for a Flo-Rida video, but is tall and can FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!

A parent however is not going to do this.  A parent isn’t going to fall in love with a man because of his height, and his penis-delivering abilities.  Sure, some cultures believe that a husband should be taller than his wife.  But that’s not the deal breaker.

They’re looking for an eligible candidate for their daughter.  A candidate capable of security, guidance, stability, and care.  It’s a bonus if the young lad is smitten with the girl.  It’s a super plus if he doesn’t treat her in too much of a superior manner.  But the focus is on the family, the possibility or certainty of success, and financial security.  The main reason most parents want their daughters marrying someone of some type of social stature, position, or family legacy.  Doctors, Lawyers, Preachers, Deacons, Prince’s, Heirs, and other title’s that imply money like Aircraft Modification Specialist… ChingChing! lol

But seriously, we could debate all day long about which is the way to go.  But how many times have we compromised what we NEED in a partner for what we want?  I know a guy who met the girl of his dreams in High School. They were together for years, even in a long-distance relationship after graduation.  She was everything he needed AND wanted, and he was everything to her.  But he couldn’t have her right then.  So instead of waiting… he went and married the best pussy he’d ever had.  I know many men that have done this.  Most of them are divorced now.  Or what I like to call M&M’s… Married and Miserable.

Love is already labeled as a ‘state of confusion’.  Why would one want to build an INSTITUTE on top of that?  Love is not a concrete slab.  Love is mud.  It’s sometimes quicksand.  If you want your structure of social order (marriage) underground with the quickness… build it on Love.

I’ve loved so many women it’s ridiculous.  It’s an easy emotion to cross by.  I make my wants and needs known from the beginning.  Any woman who wants me bad enough caters to them until they realize I’m not like that for a limited time only.  It begins to be not-so-cute after a while.  Meanwhile, I’ve fallen in love with someone I thought wanted to be the woman I wanted, when really all has worn thin and she’s ready to bounce!

If two could ensure… that there was a common goal in mind, and a foundation of trust first… marriages would begin to be more like what they’re meant to be.

There would be more cooperation, if a Christian man knew he was about to marry an Atheist.

There would be more trust if the Defense Attorney didn’t marry a prosecutor.

There would be more understanding if the Animal Right’s activist didn’t marry the Fur coat salesman.

There would be more financial security if the struggling widowed single mother of two didn’t move in the hot unemployed deadbeat from across town.

There would be more love if the two went through a little more life together before they decided to tether themselves to each other.

Seriously!!!  I’ve seen women with 2,3, and 4 kids… being with, and marrying the most deadbeat of men?  Why?  Because they LOVED them!  And you couldn’t tell them SHIT! LoL.  They love their deadbeat and that’s the END of it.  Didn’t want to hear anything, and if you said something about it, you didn’t love her, or you were being a hater…  But it never fails.  There comes a time when someone has to realize that they’ve mad a bad decision.  The decision to stay with someone for the rest of your life because of a feeling or an emotion.  Marriage is tricky… because love should play a part, whether at the beginning or along the way.  But it should NEVER take the place of the numbers.

$1150 Rent

$175 Phone and cable

$800 car notes

$300 Electricity and Gas bills

$400 a month Daycare

$260 Kids after School activities

$250 a week for savings

$0  fun?

$550 month for groceries

$1,000,000,000 Extra shit for the kids!

It’s not all about money… but don’t fucking kid yourself.  You want to build a life with someone that may or may not be able to provide with or without you the simple things in life that are needed?  Please.  YES!  You DO need to use your head when choosing to marry, or shack up, and guys, yeah that boy you’ve been wanting to be with for so long, he needs to have his shit together too… gay love is not going to pay the bills either.

Not only the money… can the person you’re with enrich you at all?  I don’t want to marry a well-paid dumbass.  You should be with someone that can teach you SOMETHING.  I don’t care WHAT it is, but damnit they need to have some type of skill.  They need to have goals, and a life of their own too.

The love, the sex, the feelings and all that other buttery shit… I’m sorry to say it… -> BACK SEAT!

That’s why ‘love at first sight’ is cute, but it’s definitely not something to latch on to.  That’s why things like “I want to be married by 35” should NOT be a goal.

If we aren’t going to allow our parents to have a say in who we marry, we should at least look at things the way they would.  A good parent anyway.  Hell, they were apparently on to something right?

Jeezus, I could go on forever with this.

********************************************************************************************

I encourage you, the reader to share your thoughts with me openly about this.  Married, divorced or single [no, divorced and single are NOT synonymous].  Do our hearts need to hold a monopoly over our minds on this transaction?

RooksRewind 16SEP2011

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Wedding and bouquet: pixabay artist “WenPhotos”

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4 thoughts on “A Marriage is What?

  1. Emily Jackson says:

    Perspectives like these are meant to enlighten, and open up doors that others become too busy or maybe just too dense to open. Marriage has become so belittled. It has truly become the attitude of this new generation, “oh we’ll if it doesn’t work out i just get divorced” this way of thinking and comments of such ignorance explain exactly why more “love marriages” fail. It’s people, signing and entering into contracts and institutions that they have no true definition of the stipulations, work, or committment required. You’re writings are so inspirational, since reading your first book, Truth’s at Distance, I can’t help but want more of this writing talent you have that I would like to call “Refreshing Insight.” I am eagerly awaiting “Personally Lucky” debuting in September. Please keep up the amazing work, and thank you for finally being an author that has found the ultimate balance between reality and fiction, that forces our minds to step out of our normal boxes of thinking to consider things from enlightening new perspectives. A modern day philosopher! Author Robert Lovelle Rooks my new #1!

    Like

  2. Sarah says:

    Really well written and a stimulating and thought provoking read. Having time lines is a societal creation of standards, dictating when we should be accomplishing certain life stages. Just as the medical sector has created stages of development for children, however, compromising to adhere to these ‘timelines’ is where the problem comes into play. Exactly what you referred to as “I want to be married by the age of 35” crap. And people do it ALL THE TIME, and they COMPROMISE to be on par with what they should have accomplished by what age. Marriage is so much more than love….I agree. It’s a partnership in all aspects of life and you better hope the partnew you choose can bring the bacon to the table when it counts, for you and the family you may create together. Life is hard enough on your own, let alone merging it with a whole other person! Love can only take you so far in the dark without a flashlight and each others voices. Really enjoyed this read! Thanks for writing about it.

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